We received a letter from Anika, aged 28. She was frightened when she unintentionally discovered the details of her parents’ will. She is now unsure whether to accept it or fight back.
Anika sent her message to us.
Anika began her letter with, “Hello.” I never expected to find myself in this predicament, yet I’m writing because I’m feeling lost and conflicted. I recently discovered something about my family that has been keeping me awake at night, and I need to share it with you to determine whether I’m overreacting or whether my feelings are reasonable.
I came from an extremely conservative household. My parents reared me and my younger brother in a family where traditional values were central to everything. Growing up, I was taught that a girl’s responsibility is to support her family, be a good wife, and manage the household. I accepted this since it was all I knew, and when I married my husband, Rohan, I assumed that role without hesitation.
My parents were pleased of me for finding a wonderful man and glad that I had a stable home with him. My father would frequently say, ’Rohan will take care of you now; you don’t have to worry about anything.’ And I believed it.”
She always believed that she and her brother would share equal inheritance from their parents.
“Life with Rohan has been enjoyable, but we, like everyone else, face financial challenges. We both work hard to support our home, and while we are not affluent, we have managed to get by without much assistance from others. I never expected an inheritance from my parents since I assumed that whatever they had would be shared evenly between my brother and me. But that assumption was dashed lately when I stumbled across their will.”
Anika said, “I was visiting my parents when I discovered the will in a drawer. I wasn’t spying; I was just looking for some old paperwork my mother had asked me to retrieve. When I saw the will, I was intrigued and thought nothing of reading it. After all, they are my parents, and I had always thought that all they owned would be equally divided between my brother and myself. But as I read the document, my heart sunk.”
Anika’s parents had different plans about it.
“My parents had agreed to give everything to my brother, including our family home, land, savings, and some precious heirlooms. Nothing was stated to me. I initially assumed there was a mistake, but they had written that my brother, as the son, would get everything since ‘he will need to support his future family and provide for them.’
It went on to state that because I am married and my spouse provides for me, I do not require any inheritance. They believed that my brother, as a man, deserved everything because he would one day have a family to care for. The will also stated that as a daughter, my current responsibilities were to my husband’s family rather than my own.”
Anika explained, “I was sh0cked. My parents have always been caring and supportive, yet this made me feel undervalued simply because I am a woman. They didn’t even address it with me, and it hurt more than I can say. When I challenged them about it, they had no idea why I was unhappy.
My mother said, ‘But you’re married, Anika. Rohan will take care of you. Your brother will need this to start his own life after he marries. It’s how we do things in our culture. My father said, ‘You should be happy for your brother; he needs this more than you do.'”
Anika thinks about whether she should fight or leave it.
“I’m struggling with this,” Anika wrote, “since it feels like my worth to my parents is based solely on the fact that I’m a woman. They regard me as someone who no longer belongs to their family simply because I am married. It’s as if all the years I spent as their daughter, their encouragement, and pride, are nothing now that I have a spouse. I can’t help feeling misled and heartbroken. I’ve always done all they asked of me, but now I’m wondering if they ever considered me equal to my brother.
“Now, I’m caught between fighting for what I believe is rightly mine and simply accepting their choice, as they’ve obviously made up their minds. I don’t want to make a schism in my family, but I also can’t ignore the hurt this has given me. “What should I do?”
Here’s what our readers advise Anika.
I’m out. They insulted her. She’s just as deserving as her brother. Favoritism is a very hurtful thing, and that’s what happening here under the guise of hypocrisy. © Fannelle Collette / Facebook
Well, since he will be the beneficiary of their estate, he can take better care of your parents on his own. Whatever he spends out of pocket, he can replace it with whatever he receives from their estate. You can continue to be a loving, caring daughter to them. You just can’t invest in taking care of them as they age. Your brother will be in a financial position to do that on his own. © Silvia Wilm / Facebook
No one is entitled to someone else’s assets. The parents chose, and it’s their right, although it’s a horrible thing for them to do. Not sure what she meant by fighting for her share, because legally, she has no share. © Roach-Orr AD / Facebook
Cut your responsibility towards them. Love them from afar. You cannot change how they feel. They will not change their will. Anything you say will fall on deaf ears. Let your brother and his future spouse have the burden of caring for them in their old age. After all, that’s what is expected of a daughter-in-law. They will reap what they sow, and their bounty will be bitter. © Mian Buban / Facebook
Maybe she should demand a dowry, since they are so old-fashioned. Then she can spend it on what she wants and if she wants a house, she’ll have a down payment and if she wants an education she can pay for it, and if she wants a husband she can pick one who’s not so traditional. © Roberta Buchanan / Facebook
How would you handle such a situation?
